Hurt to My Heart

I actually had a great day today. I got up early, went out to Half Moon Bay for Mavericks and generally enjoyed myself in that typical California way.


I'm prefacing this post with that because I don't want anyone to think this place is a repository for my ill thoughts. I did not intend on ending up in this place when I started out (or thought I'd ended) this day. But as usual, I got home and I got to reading and I ended up here because guess what: this world is fucked up. And it's about 10 times more fucked up for a Black woman.

Til Death Do Us Part

I think it's been pretty well established that although I enjoy California, in my heart, I'll always be a New Yorker. In particular, there is one thing about California that really gets my goat, Prop 8.

Proposition 8 managed to tear down a law that allowed for gay marriage in the state of California under the guise of "protecting traditional marriage". Now there's a lot of things wrong with that concept. First off, "traditional marriage" was originally no more than an opportunity for a man to "acquire" a wife. Traditional marriage also allowed for the sanctioned abuse of women. Such allowances have changed as our society has changed. The concept of marriage is fluid.

My personal belief is that no one can lament their lack of civil rights if they only use their gains to oppress others. Therefore, I cannot demand civil rights as a woman or a Black person if I am not willing to give those same rights to others.

My current hero is a man who's decided that if we are truly going to "protect traditional marriage" we should ban divorce in the state of California. I think the genius of this concept is its simplicity. Why wouldn't you ban divorce to protect marriage? Although a lot of people view this as a joke, I would love to see people hop on his train if for no other reason than to prove a point. Homophobic hustlers are hiding behind this protection angle to avoid saying the truth; they hate gay people and they don't want them to have the same rights afforded to "normal" people. Until we expose this for what it really is, they will continue to gather people who feel comfortable hiding behind a falsehood. So I say, ban divorce. Marriage is too important not to be protected.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #52

#52: Apathy

Today I hosted a fashion show for our Afterschool Program. Originally planned for the high school, it ended up being mostly attended by the middle and some elementary students. In a way it was a success. The high school band played. The models enjoyed themselves and so did the attendees but there were some snafus and a lot of it comes down to apathy.

People always ask me is California different than NY and I want to smack them for two reasons, because: 1) of course it's different and 2) any way, besides the obvious, that it's different is hard to put into words. But when talking about children or students, it's really easy for me to pinpoint the differences.

First and foremost, West Coast kids have been taught that they do not have to give respect to adults. They've been taught that people have to earn their respect whereas on the East Coast for the most part you're told that adults have the respect until they lose it. Now if a child was being willful or openly disrespectful and I was in NY, I'd think "that child has no home-training", here I think "that child was probably told that by their parents".

Secondly, children here are far more entitled. Even though I think there's been a general uptick in entitlement over the past decade, here it's an epidemic. The things I've had students basically demand without any sort of recognition or effort on their part is astounding. It boggles the mind. But it's hard to tell a child that hard work matters when they get brand-new iPods for "D" grades.

But the most annoying thing is the apathy. One of the characteristics that I enjoy about California schools is the idea that we want to give kids a voice and empower them to make decisions. What frustrates me is that when "opinion" and "entitlement" collide you get "apathy". Basically, everything I do is "wrong" but when you look for solutions or ideas, it's still "wrong". Everyone wants to tell you what they don't want to do, but no one knows what they do want to do. And it's not every student. Those who did get involved today had a great time but right now, I've hit my level of apathy. I'm done.

If you have any suggestions let me know, because I'm just about through.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #33

#34: How Many of Us Have Them?

Today I went to a skate-a-thon at Dry Ice roller rink. It was my first attempt to make some friends outside of work. I think it was a rousing success. I enjoyed myself, had some well-priced (read: cheap) beer and met some good people.

I think the older you get the harder it is to make friends. By the time you're 20 or so, you've pretty established the group of people to support you for the rest of your life. You might meet people through work or other friends but for the most part, you've created a core group of people. Since I'm so far away from the core I've formed, I'm trying to find new people and although I enjoy my co-workers, I really need to soialize with more people. I hope I'm taking a few steps in the right direction.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #32

#32: Love Jones

Since I've been reminiscing all week I would be remiss not to mention Love Jones. Love Jones is one of those movies that I think defined what "love" is supposed to look like for people, as evidenced by the amounts of "Love Jones" blogs I found when searching for this picture.

For me, just the words evoke a certain feeling. It reminds me of the feeling of laying on the couch and reading a good book on a rainy Sunday. Or listening to jazz while laying in bed. Or a hot, restless night (like tonight) when you feel lazy and energized all at once.

But most of all Love Jones taught me what NOT to do in a relationship. It's one of those frustrations that make great love stories, the characters do everything wrong. While I learned not to play games and not to hold back when it counts, would the story have seemed so great if they didn't have to suffer a bit to get there?

I've been rewatching old clips of General Hospital and in particular, my favorite couple Jason and Sam. There's something cathartic about watching couples get together, get torn apart and reunite. Even if that love ends tragically and the reunion is something you only imagine. Ultimately, when you think of a love story, you don't remember the tragedy, you remember the warm nights, the laughs and the kisses. And that's why the stories endure.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #31

#31: Bright Days, Stupid Nights

Bright Days, Stupid Nights was one of my favorite books when I was young. The story is about four young people working at a small-town newspaper during the summer. At the time, I identified with the character Vicki, the hard-working prodigy who tried hard to prove herself while being caught up in the "romance" she hoped would happen. Pretty much me to a tee. But I never quite understood the title ... until now.

Lately, I've been having a lot of bright days and stupid nights. One thing that I'm constantly afraid of is the "teacher rut". We're only three weeks out so I still have hope but right now it's lots of going to school, dealing with the September heat and coming home to dinner. And an exciting change is a school event like Back-to-School night. The scariest thing is when work drama becomes a big part of your life. It's like high school again when the intensity of every moment makes you feel like it is the MOST IMPORTANT THING.

So I'm trying to keep my life balanced. I want bright days and fun nights.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #27

#27: On the Cusp

Technically, it's Sunday but since I'm just getting home it's still Saturday for me. Today I went to Power to the Peaceful which is essentially a a hippie, love-in in the center of Golden Gate park. Recently, I've realized that I need to expand my social circle. The majority of the people I know in California are either people I knew before moving here or people that I know through work. As a result, all the people I know are students, teachers, artists and activists. Not exactly a bad group of friends to have but for the most part there's not a lot fo diversity amongst them.

By default, this means the men I've dated since moving have been students, teachers, artists and activists. Kind of a pattern. So I've been trying to go to events that I wouldn't usually decide to go to myself. I'm trying to engage people outside of work and school friends. Power to the Peaceful was a cool event because it definitely took me a bit out of my comfort zone. This Friday, I'm going to go to the B.A.D. Girls Roller Derby event. And on Saturday I might check out an improv show. I've realized that if I'm going to stay in the Bay Area, I need to create a group of friends that is separate from work and past friends. I'm on the cusp of making that happen.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #22

#22: On the Eve of this Momentous Event ...

Fall used to be about new clothes, new books and falling leaves. Since moving to California, I've had less money (so no new clothes), there's barely any leaves falling off the trees and since I'm a teacher rather than a student, no new books. But one thing has always remained the same, FALL TELEVISION! Here's what I'm excited for and some things which are going to fall to the wayside.

The CW: Once again, the CW gets points for starting it's new season a week before the other networks. Given that it's slew of new shows is largely derivative and unoriginal, they need the headstart. I'll definitely be tuning into Gossip Girl (Mondays at 9 pm) to see where college brings our cast, and I'm optimistic since creator Josh Schwartz actually anticipated his characters going to college, something most teen shows seem to forget. That being said, other than the draw of the sexy Winchester boys, the CW has pretty much lost me as a viewer. I'm not fired up about the 90210 and Melrose Place reboots and One Tree Hill is pretty lackluster

Next up is FOX: The FOX network is my nemesis. They manage to take the risks that other networks don't by greenlighting interesting shows but they quickly cancel them if they are not break out hits (moment of silence for even though they've dropped the deadweight of Peyton and Lucas.Terminator: The Sarah Conner Chronicles). So I'll be tuning in to the new show Glee (this Wednesday at 9 pm) and going for old favorites like the Sunday night cartoon block (Simpsons, Family Guy) also Fringe and Bones which are back-to-back on Thursdays. I'll be watching House on a trial basis. At the end of the month on the 25th Joss Whedon's Dollhouse reappears to round out my Friday nights.

CBS returns September 14th with How I Met Your Mother and Big Bang Theory (8 pm and 9 pm, respectively). Then two weeks later The Amazing Race and Cold Case premiere.

Finally, ABC returns with new episodes the week of the 21st, with new episodes of Castlea book tie-in). I'll be checking out the new comedy (which also has Modern Family (Wednesdays at 9) which is chock full of stars like Ed O'Neill and Sofia Vergara. Also the J.J. Abrams-helmed Flash Forward will begin right before new episodes of Grey's Anatomy. And then that Sunday Brothers & Sisters returns at 10 pm.

In addition to the return of network television, there's plenty of cable television returning in the fall. On September 14th, Lincoln Heights returns to ABCFamily and Greek is two episodes into a new season. Sons of Anarchy, a show I fell in love with over this weekend, has its second season premiere tomorrow on FX. Also, Showtime premieres new seasons of Dexter and Californication on the 27th. Californication is planning a huge season three with Hank Moody now ensconced in a new position as a college professor and there are plans for Kathleen Turner, Ed Westwick, Eva Amurri, Embeth Davidtz and Diane Farr (who I love from Roswell and Numb3rs) to guest star.

Other than that, everything is either being ignored or watched on a trial basis. I think I've reached a point where I have enough returning shows and a couple of new shows that I am interested in to fill up my tv schedule. I will try to watch Vampire Diaries since I am a fan of the books that inspired the show but from the previews I've seen there's been a massive Twilight-ization of the novels. And the month of October will see the return of 30 Rock, Ugly Betty (also on probation) and Private Practice, which has a crazy finale to live up to.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #9

#9: Ain't Nothin' Goin' On ...

But the rent. Currently, I find myself in a precarious position rent-wise. I'm working hard to take out small loan to get me through September because of the way my jobs pay periods are set up. I would take out an advance but then I'd find myself doing the same thing a month from now.

In all honesty, I know I brought some of this on myself but I think this problem is compounded by two things: the configuration of the academic year and California's current financial problems.

To tackle the first one, my school ended in late-June. School resumed mid-August. This gave me approximately 6 weeks of vacation. Not enough time to get another job (at least one that didn't involve working with kids all summer) and enough time to blow some money while on "vacation". So I returned to Oakland somewhat refreshed and extremely broke.

And how does the economy play into this? My school is going through some major changes. Some for the good (new, amazing facility). Others for the worst (no room for financial growth). The new position I interviewed for was cut after the state slashed it's budget and although there are some fringe benefits this year (new computer) there are still expenses that the school won't cover (a $10 hike on monthly transportation pass means $80/month to ride the bus).

Which brings me back to where I am. I need to take out a loan and I need to put in every extra hour I can. Unfortunately, that puts me in a position where I can't drop off the loan papers because I'm working at the school from 8 am - 7 pm everyday. Any suggestions?

100 Issues for 100 Days: #7

#7: The Cleaner

Yesterday was the last day of my Master Cleanse. For six straight days, I consumed a 1.75 L mixture of water, fresh-squeezed lemon juice, maple syrup and cayenne pepper. As I told my friend Shannon, it was motivated by two main reasons: I've been drinking a lot since I was out of town & I was trying to push back buying groceries for as long as possible. Eventually, it became a battle of wills that lasted until I ran out of maple syrup.

The first few days were hard. I fast-forwarded through food commercials and until I started chewing gum, not having something in my mouth was the hardest part. On Day 3, I started to adjust to the hunger but not chewing on something had taken it's toll and I did cheat a bit. I was hanging out with some co-workers and I ended up having a few garlic fries and a piece of zucchini. I don't know if that resulted in the sluggishness I felt on Day 4 but that day in particular was the hardest. After work and an evening meeting, I came home and crashed around 9:30. The next morning when I did my Salt Water Flush (SWF), I could feel it all throughout my body. I felt cold and wrung out but once i was finished, Day 5 was full of energy. Days 5 & 6 were the best of the process. I felt energized and even went out again, this time to see my friend's band, The Get Back at Pier 23 in SF. And although I cringed a bit when the waitress described the menu to the table next to me, I stuck to my guns and didn't even have a drink. Yesterday, I went shopping in anticipation of the end of the cleanse and walked through the farmer's market without trying one free sample. I also managed to do two loads of laundry and unpack some boxes (yes, I still have boxes even though I've lived here 3 years).

Basically, if I decide to do the Master Cleanse again, I'd make sure to get plenty of rest, stock up on gum or mints and use at least 2 1/2 tablespoons of sea salt when flushing. If you're considering this, know that the SWF is a bit gross and takes awhile to finish. You basically poop liquid but if you get it all out, you feel energized after. A co-worker, who does this regularly, asked me what I learned from doing this and I'll tell you what I told him: I learned that I'm hungry! I really like food and eating and I'm going to use this as a way to reset the clock a bit. Ease back into eating and drinking well. But I'll never forsake food, it's just too delicious.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #3

#3: Long Distance Friendships

You think that being in a long-distance relationship is hard? Try a long-distance friendship. I've had to deal with long-distance friendships ever since going to boarding school. The first thing I learned: some friends are not defined by time or distance. To wit, I have a friend whom I've known since the 1st grade. We've been separated by distance and time, sometimes going more than a year without speaking. He is and will always be my best friend (and my mother's hope for grandchildren). On the other hand, I've been away from New York for three years and some of my friendships have shown major wear and tear.

First, there's the married/pregnant friend. When I was home most recently someone told me, "You're a good friend because you don't have a husband, a boyfriend or a kid" (not too harsh at all). I agreed. I don't have those things. But I give plenty of leeway for the new mother/wife status. You need time to adjust to those things. Still, a true friend checks in. In this age of communication, a text will suffice.

Then there's the "I know you already traveled across the country but can you also come directly to my house?" friend. This is the most insidious type of friend because when you're away they tell you how much they miss you, and when you tell them you're coming home they fawn over you and make promises for nights out and days walking around. Then there's the arrival ... and the inevitable excuses. I've concluded that the break down is as follows: Traveling home = 50% of the effort, Calling to arrange plans once you get there = 20%. If this friend can't make the last 30% happen, you are completely absolved.

Finally, there's the friend you've grown out of. In the world of friendships this is common but time and distance exacerbates things. Moving leads to growth and while you're gone some of your friends are essentially standing still. The jokes that were funny before aren't any more. And the neanderthal comments that once rolled off your back are now lodged somewhere on your shoulder, kind of like a chip.

What I've learned to do is evaluate each of my friends critically. Some friendships cannot stand the strain of distance. But unlike a romance, it's hard to cut someone out of your life who's been a fixture for more than a decade. So the question is: do you cut ties or loosen them? I tend to be a cutter.

How Much for Happy

This article started up a shit-storm over at Jezebel today. And to be honest it's something I've been contemplating. Not so much comparing myself to my friends based on accomplishments but definitely in terms of finances. I have a shitload of friends with no jobs, in school who are traveling and living it up while I'm struggling to hold on to my studio apartment and pay my bills. It's not that I feel unaccomplished but my life does seem like it would be easier and more carefree if I was back in school.

At the same time school feels like a hideout. A place to be easy and carefree while others do the working. And really, if I don't have a plan or some place I really love, school seems like a complete and total waste of money. And though it's fun now, I'm sure all my schooled friends will be busting their asses to pay back school loans that they are currently blowing on Spring Break trips.

That being what it is, I've come to terms with who I am and where I'm at emotionally but not physically. I refuse to set arbitrary dates in terms of my professional or personal life. For instance, I'm 25 and I've never been in a serious relationship but I've never seen this as an inadequacy on my part. Mainly the guys that I've been with haven't been emotionally ready or they weren't men I wanted to be in a relationship with. The Boy was the closest I've come to actually wanting to date someone, which in my mind means taking that person into consideration when I make decisions, so it's not a small step for me. But I will admit to being frustrated at where I am physically in my life. I don't think I want to be in Oakland anymore. I want to take my chances in L.A. or outside of the country. I hate feeling stagnant and that is where I am right now. I feel trapped by bills and fear of job insecurity (because we've already established that I do not have anything to fall back on). And I hate feeling this way because, I don't have a kid, or a boyfriend or a well-paying job so why should I feel stuck? By what? I think the one fear I really have to be ready to let go of is the fear of being uncomfortable. It might take sleeping on some couches and hustling a bit more to be and do what I want. And I can't be afraid of that.

Eyes Wide Open

Here we are in 2009! I'm not a resolutions person at all but I do like to reflect on the year and let's just say ... I'm glad 2008 is over. What seemed like a promising year, turned out to be not so much of one and it (thankfully) flew by. But the good thing about a crappy year is that it always comes to an end and if you're smart enough you can learn from it.

I spent my pre-New Year's driving down to L.A. I stopped in Big Sur and spent some time hiking and thinking. It was a wonderful get away (even if it was cold as balls). I hung out with some locals and just breathed in some fresh air. After a pretty dismal Christmas without my family, I needed to feel like things could be different. And there's something about standing in a forest where things seem so static but are constantly changing, it makes you feel like your cirumstances are only temporary. We camped and I laid down my burden (down by the riverside bum-bum!)

Afterwards we continued down the California coast and if you have not driven down the coast, please make it a priority. It was AH-MAZING! Sometimes it was foggy and eerie and other times it was just picture perfect. The entire drive was surreal. I felt like I was in a movie.

And finally we hit LA. I always have mixed feelings about LA. I love that my friends are there, the vibe is faster than Oakland (and therefore closer to NY) but the schmooziness (yes, it's a word) weirds me out. I adore Venice. And I like the Arts District. In many ways, I was made for LA. I'm such a tv/movie freak it seems a no-brainer that I belong there ... and honestly I think I should be there.

I love the Bay but I feel the restlessness settling in. And I know I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I love the kids, and the school and the people but it's not what I want to be doing. After reflecting on the new year I've come to the realization that I need to get my shit together. School, work, whatever it needs to come together. I need a plan and I need to execute it. 2008 was the year of procrastination but 2009 needs to be the year of action. No resolutions just actions. I'm going to make it happen. (As soon as I figure out what IT is)

While I do that anyone want to get me some shoes?
... size 8

When One Door Closes...

I know I've been away for a while but this past month has been a roller-coaster. Each joy has been followed by a subsequent loss and each sadness has been followed by a sudden boon. It's hard to say that I know where I'm going because I feel like I have yet to get the ground under my feet.

I've had my computer breakdown and cost hundreds to fix, I've had a (slight) promotion at work. I've had my close friends move to California, and realized that I'm drifting from others. We as a nation stood for change (Yes we DID!) but the citizens of California decided to take away the rights of others. It's been ridiculous. I've gone from dancing in the streets to feeling like I don't know which way to turn next. And feeling completely helpless to having hope.

Today, I found out that Miriam Makeba, the wonderful South African songstress, has passed. I'm bolstered by the thought that she died while doing what she loved most and that she like all the others around the globe got to witness a major turning point in not only American but global history with the election of the first Black president of the United States. I'd like to think that when one door closes, it's only brief. It's only a sign that more is to come. There's no death, without rebirth. And I'm just experiencing growing pains.

Leaving Normal

Hanging out at home, and (pretending) to clean has given me a lot of time to contemplate why it is that I moved out to California. I come from NY which is kind of the be all end all for a lot of people. It's true that if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere but what of the people who were born "making it there"?

I went away both to high school and college, though most of my friends were still New Yorkers. The majority of them were biding their time until they could return to the naked streets, many even going back home for college, but I was not excited to return home after graduation.

In truth, New York is simultaneously my favorite place and the place I dread most in the world. It's the place I feel most comfortable and the place that stifles me in every way. I need change, and whenever I'm home I feel this stagnant hold that scares me. The option is always there, go home if things get too hard. I believe it's my pride that won't let me. There's the challenge. Can I do it? Can I support myself? Find a niche in a new place. Create new friendships at an age where honestly most people are pretty fake. Those are all the tidbits that hold me here.

And that's why I moved across the country, because I feel like if I can't make it outside of New York, there's no way I will be able to make it there.