28 November 2009

A Perfect Day

Earlier this year I heard about Being Erica this show on SOAPNet. It's about a woman in her early 30s who gets the chance to go back in time to relive and change the moments she regrets. Many times, she learns that even if she changes her actions, ultimately the decisions she made were the right ones. Other times, the experiences help her with what is happening currently in her life. But in one episode, Erica isn't sent back to a moment she regrets but rather to a perfect day. And even though going back changes the day, in the end it is still a great day.

I can't remember having a perfect day (although I'll admit I'm probably not thinking hard enough). I do remember perfect moments: riding in my great-grandfather's lap and steering his old truck, singing Mariah Carey songs to my baby brother, walking back to my dorm and looking up at the clock on top of Sam Phil with the wind cutting through my jacket, every single moment I spent onstage, waking up to a flower on my pillow, standing with my feet in the Indian Ocean. These were perfect moments.

I wonder if, like Erica, going back with what I know now would alter them. Or would I just savor them more? I guess it's easier to think about the moments we regret. The ones we would change. The good moments, the perfect days, those are sometimes harder to recall. We want to relive them but can you ever go back knowing what you know now? I guess the trick is just to move forward either way.

I also really loved these words, a character said. Just something else to think about:

I fear that you will learn the lessons of beauty and injustice
That the poetry your body can create will abandon you
The gifts of your own strength and passion will be dulled before they are even born
I fear that you will cease to yearn for flight

25 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #100

#100: Celebration!

I can't believe this but here it is. Not only did I reach 100 posts but I also reached a much deserved break. And the reason I'm getting to this post the day after my deadline is because I spent last night drinking margaritas and eating tacos at Lake Chalet (Taco Tuesdays!).

I've thought a bit about finishing this goal and what's next. I considered setting a new goal, but I think for right now, it's better to let myself come to blog; something that should be considerably easier now that I've done this. And I also thought about creating a theme. Obviously, television and films are my passion and I could wax on about that for days. But I also like having a place where I can write about anything; life, frustrations, sex (when I'm having it or not) and work. So picking just one theme seemed disingenuous to who I am. Like I said, I'm a jack of all trades master of none and that's an identity that I cannot seem to escape.

So ultimately what I came up with was a name change. Originally the name ...Makes You Do the Wacky, was based on a quote from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, one of my all time favorite television shows. I still believe in the spirit of that title. That "love makes you do the wacky". We do the craziest things in the name of love. But the new title is something that reflects more of me and how I see life.

The new name is Deliciously Ambiguous. As I've said again and again, I don't know where I'm going and my life is pretty up and down. But (for the most part), I'm enjoying the ride and I'll take the uncertainty for those delicious moments of clarity.

23 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #99

#99: 99 Problems (The Penultimate Post)

Today is it. It's the day before the day. The moment before the moment. To be honest, I never thought I'd get here. And I know I've spent at least 40 of these posts whining about my day (either for a lack of something to write or because I was so tired and frustrated it was all I could write about). But I don't want to get into reflecting on this experience yet. What I want to talk about is spirit.

We had a spirit day at school. It was the first of it's kind. The kids cheering on their soccer team right before the championships. The student council sold ribbons and painted faces and everyone lined up to cheer them on as they headed towards the game.

I find it ironic that at my job where so much is said about community, has only now (after 3 soccer championships and an almost undefeated basketball season) had a pep rally. The truth is that building the culture and spirit of a community is what keeps people there. It's why people create community gardens and intramural softball teams. And I think that spirit of community is dying.

How many times have I ridden the bus, earphones in, ignoring the people around me? How many times have you? I think spirit is one of the hardest things to build but it can also be the easiest to breakdown. Even looking at politics, the wonderful generosity of spirit that was built during Obama's campaign has for the most part died away. Our communities thrive on replenishing that fire. I wonder if most of society's ills stem from the part of our spirit that is slowly dying.

On a positive note, I saw some of that spirit revived today. So as always I have hope. And I hope that after today, the powers that be where I am continue to make building community a priority. In order to get students to work hard you have to build a community they want to work hard for.

22 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #98

#98: Inspirations

“If you become frightened, instead become inspired."

I've always looked for inspiration in the world. And I have lots of ambition. I also have lots of interests. And I think I sometimes let my interests and ambitions overwhelm me until I become static.

So I'm going to look at it a different way. I'm going to think of what frightens me the most and use that to inspire me. Instead of letting the fear of not accomplishing the multitude of things I want to do immobilize me, I'm going to take the one thing that frightens me the most and have it become my focus.

Lately I've been thinking about what I fear and one thing keeps popping up: love. I realized that I don't have the best examples for love. The adult men in my life either started off unreliable or turned out to be that way. I don't have many friends who are in love and even amongst those who are they seem to have severe relationship deficiencies or they're entirely too happy for it to seem real to me. That last assessment shows how twisted I am. In my world, if a couple is too happy clearly they can't be truly in love.

I'm trying to suss this all out. How do I use my fear to inspire my actions? How do I push myself to the next phase of my life? Because I'm feeling restless and I need change. And with change comes more fear. Of failure, and finances and making a bad move. It seems never-ending and insurmountable.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #97

#97: Woke Up. Still Tired.

Real sleep is an elusive lover. Some days I wake up refreshed and wonderful, other days I might as well have stayed up. The next month is going to be hellish. I have meetings, events, fundraisers and who knows what else will crop up (illnesses, etc.), so I'm trying to figure out now, what I can do to make my sleep more fulfilling.

I think one thing that might help is making sure that if I drink in the evening, it's well before I go to bed. I know alcohol helps me fall asleep but I definitely don't feel well-rested after a night of drinking.

Another thing is really turning off my brain. One of the problems of working with kids is that it's hard to leave work at work. Some times I find myself thinking about what happened during the day and/or how I can make the next day go better and it's hard to let things go so that I'm not stressed or even dreaming about work, which is the worst.

Finally, I think I need to have more sex. I never sleep better than I do after sex. That's just a fact. So, more sex.

I'll try it out and get back to you.

20 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #96

#96: Dog Days

Today work was the opposite of work. First of all, there was food. A wonderful twist of fate had multiple events going on that involved people bringing full on pans of food to school today. Then there was the calm that descends due to a gray day and groups of students being off-campus. And finally, there were dogs.

My supervisor brought in his sweetheart of a chocolate Lab who I swear is one of the best dogs I've ever met. Then some of my students who were training dogs as part of a community service project presented what they'd done. And to cap it all off, a parent brought in newborn puppies to show the students. In other words: perfection.

I love my cat (one of them ran away so it's singular now), but sometimes you just need puppy love. That snuffly sweetness that only comes from a wet nose and a face lick. I really enjoyed just cuddling with all the wacky dogs that came through today.

The pièce de résistance was a dance show that a friend was performing in. I went to see her dance but the show was so much more. There was some horribly wonderful singing, including Ricky Martin's "Cup of Life" and Rent's "Seasons of Love". Then there were cute kids. Many of the dance pieces where choreographed to some of my all time favorite songs, including a Janet Jackson medley. Basically, it was a perfect storm of awesome.

Essentially, a great day. Oh, did I mention the puppies?

19 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #95

#95: Emotional Rollercoaster

And I'm back on that whining shit
Seriously am I 16 again?
I get upset when the kids tell me
You just don't like me
They hate me, they hate me
Why you always pickin' on me?

But the truth is I understand
The truth of what they say
Cause sometimes the only greeting I get
Is what I did wrong
And I feel like I'm on a loop-di-loop
Up and down, undulating
From highs to lows

I wanna be high
I wanna be unafraid and uninhibited and
Living, loving life
But then I'm banking to the left
Hitting that curve
And plummeting to that low

'Lo and behold
I'm being shit on once again
Like that little kid
I'm a Slumdog Millionaire
It's unfair
And I'm back on that whining shit again

It's sad that I'm taking cues from a 4th grader
Calm down, don't cry, don't let them see you sweat
Fuck, I wish I was a 4th grader
Cause people indulge them when they kick and scream
I say "use your words"
But what if the only word left is FRUSTRATION?!

I'm repeating myself
Why? why?! whining
But why not
That's all I do every day
Don't. Stop. No. Why?
I said, Follow the damn rules!
And I hear it echoed back to me,
Don't. Stop. No. Why?

Apparently, it's written on my face
Because every five paces I'm asked
Are you okay?
And at this point the point is moot.
I'm not.
But give me a second. That might change.

18 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #94

#94: One Missed Call

Today I left my cell phone at home. Though it's annoying (no timekeeper, no way to reach people when I need to tell them something quickly, etc.), the best thing about not having my phone is that I don't feel bothered. I don't feel tied to what I should be doing because there's no one to remind me if I'm not.

After work I went out to dinner without regard to the time or what was happening. To be honest, I couldn't care less if I hadn't gotten home at a decent hour.

I think more people should free themselves from the constraints of cell phones. Whenever I see my students, every moment they can they're checking messages or texting. When I got my cell phone in college, I rarely pulled it out during the day and definitely not during classes. Why do we seem to dread our screens flashing "one missed call"? Do we feel that we'll have missed out on something significant? When did we start seeing a missed call as a failed moment rather than just an opportunity to call someone back?

17 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #93

#93: Running on Empty

Today was one of those days when I thought I started out with the energy to make it through the day but midway through I just crashed. Lately, I feel like when I make it to work it's one of the last places I want to be.

And that's not to say it's all bad. I'm having wonderful, fulfilling moments with my students and with friends but I still balk at entering the building. I think the fatigue is mental and I'm really hoping that Thanksgiving break will provide the time and space I need to work my way back up to the level of enthusiasm I had before.

16 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #92

#92: Thank You For Being a Friend

I know I bitch and I whine. I have issues. But I also have great friends. These past few weeks I've had the opportunity to really appreciate what that means. Sometimes that just means a phone call or a good hearty laugh. Other times it's just someone who understands your frustrations.

It's been hard moving to a new place but I definitely feel like I have the people around me who support me. And then there's the old friends who call just to say, "hey".

So to all my people out there. Thank you for being a friend. Cause God knows I need them.

15 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #91

#91: Fearless

This weekend I was watching Ugly Betty and besides having fine ass Adam Rodriguez on the show, they had a great message. The theme of the show was about being fearless. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not as bold as I used to be. I know that one of the by-products of getting older is that you learn to hold back and assess before acting but the best thing about youth is that you don't censor yourself as much.

Example: This Friday I had the opportunity to go to a house party. I got home pretty late but psyched myself up to go out anyway. Then the calls came; my friends backing out with various excuses and I decided I couldn't go to the party by myself. So I stayed home. Now I had lots of legitimate reasons I didn't go but ultimately it came down to fear. Who would I talk to? What would I do if I didn't feel comfortable? Just like I'd psyched myself up, I psyched myself out.

I'm not saying I've always been fearless but I wonder if "becoming an adult" hasn't caused my light to dim a little. I've definitely seen it happen to people around me. I've never been afraid of jumping off the side of a mountain or performing in front of hundreds of people but the little rejections, they scare me. I know that I want to be more brave when it comes to those things. Last night I went to a club and I saw a guy that I thought was cute. I got my friend to give him my number. Baby steps.

Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark
I can't find the light in my heart...
But if I was fearless ...
Fearless - Cyndi Lauper

100 Issues for 100 Days: #90

#90: Double Feature

Today I went to see Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day and Precious.

After reading a lot about Precious and hearing everyone's viewpoint on the film, I was eager to see it myself. I was surprised by how many people were in the theater. Almost every seat was taken. The reactions were varied and there were definitely moments when people laughed due to the uncomfortable things that were portrayed on-screen.

After seeing the film for myself, I find myself at an impasse. I've seen most of Lee Daniels' oeuvre and from what I've observed the man makes detailed choices. So I wonder about the choice to intercut Precious' rape with shots of pig's feet and vaseline. Or to show a beaten Precious walking the streets with her second child beneath a "spay and neuter" sign. I don't think these were unconscious decisions so I wonder what symbolism Daniels is trying to evoke. Is Precious no better than a homeless dog that should be spayed? Is the juxtaposition of pig's feet and Vaseline supposed to be commentary on the stereotype of Black female rape or a reinforcement of it? As a film it did it's job. I connected with Precious, I felt her pain and cheered for her overcoming her obstacles and though the film started to tread closely to the "nice white lady" stereotypes, it was good. And Lenny Kravitz was in it looking scrumdiddlyumptious.

I also went to see Boondock Saints II, a sequel I've been waiting for for years. Boondock Saints is one of those cult faves that people either love or hate. I love it. It's a simple story: two brothers decide to clean-up Boston when the cops fail to do so and earn the name, The Saints because they leave coins on the eyes of their kills and arrange them as if they are being buried. But it's so much more than that. It's clever, there's gratuitous violence and it's raunchy as hell. Essentially it's every guys favorite movie. The sequel was just as good. It was cute and funny and full of gunfights. Although the story stretched itself too far in some places, it was entertaining as hell and set itself up for a third installment (please God let this happen).

I'm thinking about going to see it again (and that says a lot cause it's hard for me to get to theaters).

13 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #89

#89: Steak and Eggs

This has been a rough week. Despite a perfectly timed break mid-week, Thursday made me want to punch someone soundly in the face and although today didn't drive me to assault, it was still hectic. I only got home about a half-hour ago (it's almost 9:30). So I decided to make myself some steak and eggs.

Sometimes you just need a hearty breakfast at the end of the day to top off an otherwise tiring day.

12 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #88

#88: Soothing Psychosis

**dedicated to Christopher Sean Whitman**

I need your soothing psychosis
The obsession that sets me free
Your eyes burn with intensity then
Burnout, flat, empty and dead
Because you don't want to show your pain

I touch you and you flinch
While I smolder
God help me
Teresa falls up the stairs
And I tumble down into love

A nice, shy boy
Trapped in the mind of a killer
Pulsing, red beats
Pump blood through my serrated heart

Your kiss like stone
Massage my lips with fear
Caress me with heartbreak
And frighten me with your love

11 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #87

#87: Never Say Die

Today on my day off I watch A LOT of television. Most of it was stuff that's been languishing on my DVR for weeks so I'm happy to get through it all but one was something that I've been saving for just this situation: The Goonies.

For some reason, this movie (along with some others) continues to touch me. I find myself mouthing words and shedding a tear every time Sean Astin says "It's our time, our time, down here!"

I think it's the combination of a lot of elements. One is the friendship. Throughout the movie you see these friends give up everything to support each other. And even though the goal is finding "the rich stuff", what's more important is spending their last day together.

The other thing I love about the movie is the sense of adventure. You don't feel like this is one day but just one of many adventures and that there'll be more tomorrow.

And finally, there's Sloth. How can you not love a guy who's ears move when he speaks? He's the quintessential gentle giant. And I love Chunk and how they relate to each other.

So I laid in bed today and I laughed and cried but most of all, I rested. Just 2 more days til the weekend.

10 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #86

#86: On the Eve of ...

Tomorrow is a random day off in the middle of the week and all I can say is: THANK GOD! I've already talked about my recent indifference towards work and my iPod still hasn't turned up so that is only growing. Then today a co-worker tried to tell me I'm not nice enough to her (even though she's a bitch most of the time). Frankly, I'm done with people pushing a lot of shit on me when they don't have their own stuff together.

/end rant

Sorry, what I really wanted to say was that in preparation of tomorrow's wonderful and much needed day off, I went to the grocery store today to get my "lay in bed" essentials:

1. A six-pack of beer: Since I'm treating myself I went with apricot Pyramid Hefeweizen.
2. A package of mint Milano cookies: quite possibly one of the best sweet treats ever and combines my faves mint and chocolate.
3. Cheese and crackers: I usually keep a few cheeses (goat, cheddar, pepper-jack) in the fridge but the crackers make it "lay in bed" worthy.
4. A mini-six pack of soda: I don't want to just drink beer but I don't want H2O to be my only other alternative. This is a nice compromise.
5. Lay's BBQ Chips: Chips are a necessity to all day TV watching.
6. Fruit: Acting seasonally, I went with the pomegranate.
7. A well-balanced dinner: After pigging out all day, I'll finally emerge in the evening to make a decent dinner that will begin to counteract the horribly wonderful fullness that comes from subsisting on chips, cheese & crackers, cookies and beer. I got steak, fresh kale and I'll add some couscous to round it out.

Tonight I'm going to clean all the essentials (bed, wash dishes, tidy up what I can) so I won't be hit with waves of guilt when I look around my apartment in the morning but other than that, I only get up to get more food and pee. Peace out.

09 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #85

#85: Word of the Day ...

Indifference. On Friday, my iPod was taken from work. It was a red iPod nano (1st generation) and it was the first major purchase I made after moving to Oakland. It was my first "big girl" gift to myself.

Ever since my iPod was taken I've felt an overwhelming feeling of indifference towards my students. I'm not really mad, I've just shut down. After weeks of busting my ass and going above and beyond, I find myself at a standstill. I just. don't. care.

I'm doing what I have to do but I can't find the energy to do more. I hate feeling like this because I'm not someone who does the bare minimum. I throw myself headfirst into every project and I extend energy, money and most of all my heart. Now I just can't.

I'm hoping someone will have the integrity to return my iPod but either way, I'm kind of considering this semester a wash. I'm d-u-n, done.

08 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #84

#84: Smooth Like Chocolate

Rounding out my weekend of concerts was the Carolina Chocolate Drops, a Black bluegrass band. Much like Halloween, the image of bluegrass music has strayed far from its roots. Although most people think of rednecks and backwoods when they hear the banjo play, the truth is that the banjo is an African-American instrument that has many names across the African diaspora.

What makes the Chocolate Drops so dazzling is their ability to not only play a ridiculous amount of instruments but also their reverence for the history of bluegrass and it's African/African-American roots. Even the titles of their albums (Heritage, Colored Aristocracy) show their dedication to reclaiming bluegrass music for the Black community. At one point they took a bluegrass rhythm cut the meter in half to get a Charleston beat and cut that in half to get an R&B vibe going. How better to illustrate that bluegrass is part of the continuum that is Black music?

The show I saw was a family matinee and the performers were completely engaging as well as great educators. They taught the audience rhythms, rhymes, dances and the basics of all the instruments. During the Q&A, all one kid could say was "It was just fun!". It was a completely sweet moment.

I really enjoyed myself this weekend but this show was definitely the best way to cap off the performances I saw. I felt like this opened my eyes to something completely new. I've always loved ountry and bluegrass music but it seemed like an anomaly. In actuality, I was just being true to my roots. In my heart, I'm a Carolina girl and the Chocolate Drops definitely struck a chord with me.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #83

#83: Savion and Patience

Last night I got to see the wonderful and dynamic Savion Glover perform. I have to tip my hat to this man because he did two back-to-back shows (90 minutes each) and I don't think he paused more than five minutes the entire time. The show was all improvisation with him tapping along with a jazz quartet. The other thing i loved about the show was Patience Higgins, the horn player. Who can't love a name like Patience Higgins? I was also fortunate enough to go backstage and meet the performers who all gave me a wonderful dose of New York. The piano player was like a long-lost uncle and the entire crew was littered with Brooklyn and Manhattan
natives that made me miss home.

I know I joke a lot about Savion being my future husband (not giving up on that dream) but more than that watching him is divine. It's like watching precision and chaos connect in a perfect storm of awesome. And even more than that, in meeting him he exudes such a cool spirit. He also displays such a reverence and love for performers of the past, like each performance is a tribute to them. It was beautiful to behold. I've decided we just have to hang out again. Clearly, he'll fall in love with me. Cause I'm already in love with him. Patience.

07 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #82

#82: Precious

UPDATED: Way more interesting analysis here.

The movie Precious opened in theaters yesterday. I've seen a lot of articles discussing the film and the book Push that it's based on. There are interviews with the author of the book as well as the director of the film Lee Daniels and his backers, Oprah Winfrey and Tyler Perry. There's also a lot of criticism about colorism in the casting as well as the overall adaptation from book to film. I plan on seeing the film (Lenny Kravitz being in it kind of sealed the deal) and I'm trying to go into it with an open-mind but one of the comments that I read about the film rings true with me. When discussing the "I am Precious" marketing campaign for the film, one person commented:

I finally figured out that Tyler and Oprah actually DO think that abuse and exploitation are Black women’s natural state of being, likely because of their personal histories.

I am NOT Precious. If I was, I couldn’t be horrified by the story. If I WAS Precious, I would likely think that my existence was the rule for everybody. Why would I believe anything different?

After going to see Good Hair a few weeks ago, I have to agree with this statement. I get that it's often hard to separate the "art" and the "artist", but I'm tired of having certain people's experiences of Blackness foisted on me. I sat through Chris Rock telling me how Black women are high maintenance and willing to put harsh chemicals into babies' heads in order to have straight hair. Is it true for some? Yes. But that is not every Black woman's experience.

Similarly, I feel like Precious is just continuing a long line of portrayals of Black women as victims. We're not all Celie and we're not all Precious. As an artist is my story less valid because I've never been victimized? I'm not invalidating the homelessness that Tyler Perry experienced or the abuse Oprah Winfrey suffered but that is not the universal experience of Black folks.

When I say "I am precious", it's because I understand that as a person, my experience is valid, my life is worth living, and that I am only one of many who are equally precious. But I don't try to make the reality of my Blackness speak for others. A lot of people talk about getting past racism and victimization and I think part of that is understanding that these things are not okay. Rape, incest, abuse, division amongst color lines, internalized oppression; these things exist but they are not right, nor are they universal to everyone's existence. Yes, stories like Precious' happen every day but they are not the norm. They need to be brought to light but not glorified, not if we're trying to make sure these stories aren't needed one day.

05 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #81

#81: Esperanza

Tonight I went to an SFJazz show. The artist was Esperanza Spalding, who is a wonderfully beautiful and talented bassist. The 23-year old is wildly entertaining and her performance was the epitome of casual and relatable even in a 1,000 seat venue. But mostly, she's just chill in that, I-wanna-hang-with-you way.

She has this song Precious which I love (also check out Cuerpo y Alma). My favorite part is the line:
But I'm not gonna sit around/And waste my precious divine energy/Trying to explain/And being ashamed of things /You think are wrong with me.
The first part rings so true. I'm not going to continue to waste my precious, divine energy on things that are weighing me down. And the second part, worrying about things that others think are wrong with me, is also just a waste of time. When she sang those words tonight it was all I could do not to jump up and shout "Yes!".

And although I've been complaining about my life being pretty dry, tonight was definitely an exception. I laughed and joked, and most of all I had fun. I think it's fitting that esperanza means "hope" because I definitely felt that tonight.

I also think I'm going to have to add her to the list of style icons. Her hair is to be envied and I loved her laid-back outfit (jeans, flats, white tank and oversized scarf). I suggest you check her out.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #80

#80: Sore throat

My throat has been feeling a bit sore this week. It's perpetually dry which ironically enough is how my life feels: dry.

My weekend in LA that was supposed to be lots of fun was ... not so much. I enjoyed myself but it was definitely not the weekend of wild debauchery I'd envisioned.

Since returning it's been "crazy in the streets" as I used to say in high school. Literally, I had to yell at a kid in the streets. But most of all, my life seems dry. I don't know where the fun went but it seems to be on permanent vacation and I want it to come home. I know this week has been "The Complainer's Blog" but I don't know what else to write about.

03 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #79

#79: Hanging On for Dear Life

Things come undone
Like silken strands sliding through waiting fingers
Each day unraveling, past

Running without a chance to take a breath
Chest heavy with cold
Burning through a body

Hours upon hours, strike down
Grasping and clasping
Holding on to the present
No idea of the future

Doubled over, dry heaving
Out my spirit
All that's left to cling to

The season will end
Respite forthcoming
And if all else fails

100 Issues for 100 Days: #78

#78: Ms. Stress

When it rains it pours. Despite all the planning and prepping that I did before leaving to "rest", I've come back and it's chaos. There's a million things going on, everyone is calling in sick, I'm sick too, and although it is November, it's blazing hot and the heat is making me more irritated. I'm working all through the weekend and basically I'm living for Veteran's Day. If I can just make it to next Wednesday, I should be alright. If not I may be in jail for killing someone's child.

02 November 2009

100 Issues for 100 Days: #77

#77: Late Night

Last night I got home around 3 a.m. so although I had a post planned, I was far too tired to delve into the deep thoughts I had planned on sharing. But in the light of day I have some new thoughts/questions that this weekend away left me with:

1. I'm so glad my mom is my mom
I talk to my mom on the phone about every weekend. And if I miss a weekend she notices. We have a complicated relationship but most of all she's my friend. And she's a friend to my friends. In watching others interact with their moms, I always walk away appreciating her more.

2. How much change can your friends and family accept?
This is always something that runs through my mind. Even at 26, I'm constantly changing and I see it happening with my friends as well. There's a lot that I can accept but part of changing is knowing that not everyone around you is changing or that their change may lead them down a different path. So I wonder how much can people accept? One thing I observed this weekend is when the people around you do accept you, it's a beautiful thing.

3. The value of money
I touched on this in an earlier post this weekend but I just had to reiterate. The value of money is not in waht you purchase but rather in the freedom it affords you. A freedom from stress and worry. A freedom from limits. I think our society has focused too much on "being rich" or purchasing things. I just want the freedom to not have to worry about bills (and be able to eat what I want, when I want).

4. What are the things I value?
There are a lot of things I believe in strongly but most of all I believe in keeping an open-mind, attaining knowledge, treating people with respect and love and remaining humble. Those are the core values I try to model and what I hope to pass on to my children and my students. I also believe in being open, honest and straightforward with those I love. It's saved me a few friendships and hurt others but in the long run it was better than holding things in or being passive.

These are just a few things I came away from the weekend thinking about. I know it's heavy for a Halloween weekend but truth doesn't take a holiday.