20!0

I hate to fall into beginning of the year tropes but I find myself doing it more and more. I wonder if it's the new year or just the natural rush that comes with having some down time. You feel a need to start anew. So what do I do?

I don't like that Cathy-esque feeling I get, like I'm putting undue, stereotypically female insecurities on the table. Frankly, there are positive changes I could make in my life (financially, emotionally, in my relationships) but I don't think I'm going to end up a spinster, with no savings in a dead-end job if I don't. I'm only 26 for godsakes. So I'm taking it slow. Slow and steady and I'll throw in a few curveballs every once in a while.

But here are my mini-resolutions:
1. Save some dough so I can actually apply to grad school when I'm ready.
2. Try to say "yes" to more oppurtunities.
3. Travel more. Make it happen however I can.

If 2011 comes around and I've done that, I know I'll be happier. But I'm not goin gto beat myself up. Cause that's just a recipe for unhappiness.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #98

#98: Inspirations

“If you become frightened, instead become inspired."

I've always looked for inspiration in the world. And I have lots of ambition. I also have lots of interests. And I think I sometimes let my interests and ambitions overwhelm me until I become static.

So I'm going to look at it a different way. I'm going to think of what frightens me the most and use that to inspire me. Instead of letting the fear of not accomplishing the multitude of things I want to do immobilize me, I'm going to take the one thing that frightens me the most and have it become my focus.

Lately I've been thinking about what I fear and one thing keeps popping up: love. I realized that I don't have the best examples for love. The adult men in my life either started off unreliable or turned out to be that way. I don't have many friends who are in love and even amongst those who are they seem to have severe relationship deficiencies or they're entirely too happy for it to seem real to me. That last assessment shows how twisted I am. In my world, if a couple is too happy clearly they can't be truly in love.

I'm trying to suss this all out. How do I use my fear to inspire my actions? How do I push myself to the next phase of my life? Because I'm feeling restless and I need change. And with change comes more fear. Of failure, and finances and making a bad move. It seems never-ending and insurmountable.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #91

#91: Fearless

This weekend I was watching Ugly Betty and besides having fine ass Adam Rodriguez on the show, they had a great message. The theme of the show was about being fearless. Lately, I've been feeling like I'm not as bold as I used to be. I know that one of the by-products of getting older is that you learn to hold back and assess before acting but the best thing about youth is that you don't censor yourself as much.

Example: This Friday I had the opportunity to go to a house party. I got home pretty late but psyched myself up to go out anyway. Then the calls came; my friends backing out with various excuses and I decided I couldn't go to the party by myself. So I stayed home. Now I had lots of legitimate reasons I didn't go but ultimately it came down to fear. Who would I talk to? What would I do if I didn't feel comfortable? Just like I'd psyched myself up, I psyched myself out.

I'm not saying I've always been fearless but I wonder if "becoming an adult" hasn't caused my light to dim a little. I've definitely seen it happen to people around me. I've never been afraid of jumping off the side of a mountain or performing in front of hundreds of people but the little rejections, they scare me. I know that I want to be more brave when it comes to those things. Last night I went to a club and I saw a guy that I thought was cute. I got my friend to give him my number. Baby steps.

Sometimes I'm afraid of the dark
I can't find the light in my heart...
But if I was fearless ...
Fearless - Cyndi Lauper

100 Issues for 100 Days: #43

#43: Mood: Contemplative

Clearly this was one of those "in my head" days. Not so much becaue I was at work but I did start to think: when did we stop teaching kids to think? When did we stop teaching them the basic modicums of respect and decency?

I've been blaming the kids but lately, I've got to go to the adults. For example, lately when I go out to monitor recess, there are chip packets and wrappers all over the playground. That's the fault of their teachers. A 5th grader, maybe it's on them but a kindergartener? That's a teacher.

And I think about some of the things I've let slide. Because I was tired or just didn't feel like dealing. Is it really the kids or are we just using them as an excuse for our own laziness?

Last week when I was waiting for the bus, I saw a girl getting jumped. I didn't do as much as I should have. I'll admit I was a bit afraid. There were about twenty crazed teens egging the fight on. But ultimately, I let it go. I knew someone else would handle it. And I'd already yelled at 2 kids that day and dealt with another one's attitude. And I felt a cold coming on. And I just wanted to get home and lay down.

But ultimately, those are all excuses. Can I call myself a teacher, if when the time is most important, I don't teach?