Eyes Wide Open

Here we are in 2009! I'm not a resolutions person at all but I do like to reflect on the year and let's just say ... I'm glad 2008 is over. What seemed like a promising year, turned out to be not so much of one and it (thankfully) flew by. But the good thing about a crappy year is that it always comes to an end and if you're smart enough you can learn from it.

I spent my pre-New Year's driving down to L.A. I stopped in Big Sur and spent some time hiking and thinking. It was a wonderful get away (even if it was cold as balls). I hung out with some locals and just breathed in some fresh air. After a pretty dismal Christmas without my family, I needed to feel like things could be different. And there's something about standing in a forest where things seem so static but are constantly changing, it makes you feel like your cirumstances are only temporary. We camped and I laid down my burden (down by the riverside bum-bum!)

Afterwards we continued down the California coast and if you have not driven down the coast, please make it a priority. It was AH-MAZING! Sometimes it was foggy and eerie and other times it was just picture perfect. The entire drive was surreal. I felt like I was in a movie.

And finally we hit LA. I always have mixed feelings about LA. I love that my friends are there, the vibe is faster than Oakland (and therefore closer to NY) but the schmooziness (yes, it's a word) weirds me out. I adore Venice. And I like the Arts District. In many ways, I was made for LA. I'm such a tv/movie freak it seems a no-brainer that I belong there ... and honestly I think I should be there.

I love the Bay but I feel the restlessness settling in. And I know I'm not happy with what I'm doing. I love the kids, and the school and the people but it's not what I want to be doing. After reflecting on the new year I've come to the realization that I need to get my shit together. School, work, whatever it needs to come together. I need a plan and I need to execute it. 2008 was the year of procrastination but 2009 needs to be the year of action. No resolutions just actions. I'm going to make it happen. (As soon as I figure out what IT is)

While I do that anyone want to get me some shoes?
... size 8

One Big Interruption

So lately I've been feeling more than little dissatisfied with The Boy. His recent actions (or inactions, really) have been driving me up the wall. After the whole exclusivity conversation, a lot of the advice was: dump him, move on or fuck someone else. Being who I am, I considered those options carefully. To be honest, the thought of ending things with him makes me physically ill. My chest kind of constricts when I think about it. But I did consider "fuck someone else" to be a viable option.

Recently, an old friend/lover/hook-up has reappeared in my life. The timing seemed fortuitous. He'd called me up a couple of times and even invited me to the club where he works to hang out. Then yesterday, he called to see if I wanted to go to dinner. Because I've had a very hectic couple of weeks, I'd planned on staying in last night, so I invited him to come over for dinner. He came over with wine and salad fixin's while I'd cooked some fish and potatoes. The stars were aligned.

We talked, watched some television and snuggled a bit before the wine took its toll and I suggested heading to bed. Now as he'd clearly spent the night at my place before and I could tell he was interested it seemed like everything was lined up for a casual night between friends ... with benefits. From the moment of the first kiss, it felt off. But I was determined to power through. I figured it was fate. I wanted to hook up with someone else but I didn't want it to be about getting back at anyone. I wanted it to happen naturally and here some higher power had dropped this situation in my lap. This was no time to turn back. But clearly, that higher power has a sense of humor. Though I was determined and eventually started to get a bit into the mood, my partner was having a down day. Way down.

I'm not exactly sure what this means. I was originally hoping that last night was a sign that things were shifting away from The Boy. Now it seems I'm right back where I started.

Confirmed Dead*

Initially, I was going to be coy and not post anything about the results of "The Talk" but since I kind of feel thrown for a loop, I had to get this out. The title of this post comes from an episode of Lost. In the episode, the "freighties" are being assembled for the first time to go to the Island and you see them all hearing that everyone on Oceanic Flight 815 is confirmed dead. The interesting part is that the audience knows that 815 crash-landed on the island and there are a bunch of survivors.

That's how I feel right now. Everything in my head is telling me that this relationship, or whatever it is, is dead. My heart is telling me there are survivors. The crazy thing is (if we want to continue this metaphor to its conclusion) of the freighties who go to the island: two die, one ends up (we think) stuck at sea and two decide to stay. And they all go through a helluva lot before that happens. The odds are not in my favor.

So here's the way the talk went down, after some (very good) sex, we were watching tv and talking and I, oh so casually, asked where he thought we were right now. Basically, I tried to assure him that I wasn't trying to push for things to change but I just wanted to know where we stood now. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (which I knew) and that he's concerned about being exclusive because that equates a relationship to him (which it doesn't necessarily to me). And then I got the answer that I was not expecting, he's also seeing someone else.

See I had made the assumption (I know when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of 'u' and 'mption'), that like me, he hadn't had the time to cultivate anything else with someone or wasn't looking to. Looking back it's not exactly a surprise. I had some idea when my toothbrush (which he asked me to bring over) moved from the bathroom cabinet to the closet next to the bathroom. And although I'm not angry that he's having sex with someone else (he's incredibly safe so I'm not worried too much about that), I think it would have been courteous to let me know. I mean, we see each other pretty often, and it does make me a bit uncomfortable to know that a partner I sleep with regularly is (probably) regularly seeing and (having sex with) someone else.

But most of all, I'm disappointed. I don't really want what we have to change. I enjoy his company, I enjoy his friendship, I most definitely enjoy the sex but I don't know how I feel about him seeing someone else. And my curiosity is making me want to ask soooo many questions, which is the last thing that he wants.

So what do I want? That's the question that I can't answer right now. I don't know if this thing is confirmed dead or if there are survivors lying around somewhere that just haven't been found yet.

*One of my little quirks is that I know A LOT of television episode titles. I was thinking about making those the titles of my posts. I'm still trying to decide if I should stick with one show or just pull them from various shows as is appropriate.

Whet your Appetite

hey everyone (and by everyone I mean the few friends I'm going to invite to read this and whoever else stumbles across it),

This is the inaugural post of "...Makes You Do the Wacky". For those who know me well, they won't be surprised to learn that the title of this blog comes from a quote from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. The entire quote is "love makes you do the wacky". Originally, I wanted this to be a blog about love: things I love, people I love, people I wish loved me, but there's just so much in my life that makes me do the wacky, I didn't want to restrict myself.

So here's where I'm going to begin, my 25th birthday is in 15 days. I'm semi-jobless, my cats are shedding hair all over my apartment, I'm supposed to have the "What are we?" talk with the guy I've been dating for almost a year tonight, and I'd rather eat Top Ramen every night than give up my DirecTV/internet connection. I will be evicted first. I thought it was a good time to start a blog.

This is just the teaser. The amuse bouche if you will. But stick around ... I think things will get interesting. And just to (hopefully) get some comments going: What makes you do the wacky?