11 July 2008

Confirmed Dead*

Initially, I was going to be coy and not post anything about the results of "The Talk" but since I kind of feel thrown for a loop, I had to get this out. The title of this post comes from an episode of Lost. In the episode, the "freighties" are being assembled for the first time to go to the Island and you see them all hearing that everyone on Oceanic Flight 815 is confirmed dead. The interesting part is that the audience knows that 815 crash-landed on the island and there are a bunch of survivors.

That's how I feel right now. Everything in my head is telling me that this relationship, or whatever it is, is dead. My heart is telling me there are survivors. The crazy thing is (if we want to continue this metaphor to its conclusion) of the freighties who go to the island: two die, one ends up (we think) stuck at sea and two decide to stay. And they all go through a helluva lot before that happens. The odds are not in my favor.

So here's the way the talk went down, after some (very good) sex, we were watching tv and talking and I, oh so casually, asked where he thought we were right now. Basically, I tried to assure him that I wasn't trying to push for things to change but I just wanted to know where we stood now. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (which I knew) and that he's concerned about being exclusive because that equates a relationship to him (which it doesn't necessarily to me). And then I got the answer that I was not expecting, he's also seeing someone else.

See I had made the assumption (I know when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of 'u' and 'mption'), that like me, he hadn't had the time to cultivate anything else with someone or wasn't looking to. Looking back it's not exactly a surprise. I had some idea when my toothbrush (which he asked me to bring over) moved from the bathroom cabinet to the closet next to the bathroom. And although I'm not angry that he's having sex with someone else (he's incredibly safe so I'm not worried too much about that), I think it would have been courteous to let me know. I mean, we see each other pretty often, and it does make me a bit uncomfortable to know that a partner I sleep with regularly is (probably) regularly seeing and (having sex with) someone else.

But most of all, I'm disappointed. I don't really want what we have to change. I enjoy his company, I enjoy his friendship, I most definitely enjoy the sex but I don't know how I feel about him seeing someone else. And my curiosity is making me want to ask soooo many questions, which is the last thing that he wants.

So what do I want? That's the question that I can't answer right now. I don't know if this thing is confirmed dead or if there are survivors lying around somewhere that just haven't been found yet.

*One of my little quirks is that I know A LOT of television episode titles. I was thinking about making those the titles of my posts. I'm still trying to decide if I should stick with one show or just pull them from various shows as is appropriate.

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