08 March 2009

How Much for Happy

This article started up a shit-storm over at Jezebel today. And to be honest it's something I've been contemplating. Not so much comparing myself to my friends based on accomplishments but definitely in terms of finances. I have a shitload of friends with no jobs, in school who are traveling and living it up while I'm struggling to hold on to my studio apartment and pay my bills. It's not that I feel unaccomplished but my life does seem like it would be easier and more carefree if I was back in school.

At the same time school feels like a hideout. A place to be easy and carefree while others do the working. And really, if I don't have a plan or some place I really love, school seems like a complete and total waste of money. And though it's fun now, I'm sure all my schooled friends will be busting their asses to pay back school loans that they are currently blowing on Spring Break trips.

That being what it is, I've come to terms with who I am and where I'm at emotionally but not physically. I refuse to set arbitrary dates in terms of my professional or personal life. For instance, I'm 25 and I've never been in a serious relationship but I've never seen this as an inadequacy on my part. Mainly the guys that I've been with haven't been emotionally ready or they weren't men I
wanted to be in a relationship with. The Boy was the closest I've come to actually wanting to date someone, which in my mind means taking that person into consideration when I make decisions, so it's not a small step for me. But I will admit to being frustrated at where I am physically in my life. I don't think I want to be in Oakland anymore. I want to take my chances in L.A. or outside of the country. I hate feeling stagnant and that is where I am right now. I feel trapped by bills and fear of job insecurity (because we've already established that I do not have anything to fall back on). And I hate feeling this way because, I don't have a kid, or a boyfriend or a well-paying job so why should I feel stuck? By what? I think the one fear I really have to be ready to let go of is the fear of being uncomfortable. It might take sleeping on some couches and hustling a bit more to be and do what I want. And I can't be afraid of that.

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