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A Perfect Day

Earlier this year I heard about Being Erica this show on SOAPNet. It's about a woman in her early 30s who gets the chance to go back in time to relive and change the moments she regrets. Many times, she learns that even if she changes her actions, ultimately the decisions she made were the right ones. Other times, the experiences help her with what is happening currently in her life. But in one episode, Erica isn't sent back to a moment she regrets but rather to a perfect day. And even though going back changes the day, in the end it is still a great day.

I can't remember having a perfect day (although I'll admit I'm probably not thinking hard enough). I do remember perfect moments: riding in my great-grandfather's lap and steering his old truck, singing Mariah Carey songs to my baby brother, walking back to my dorm and looking up at the clock on top of Sam Phil with the wind cutting through my jacket, every single moment I spent onstage, waking up to a flower on my pillow, standing with my feet in the Indian Ocean. These were perfect moments.

I wonder if, like Erica, going back with what I know now would alter them. Or would I just savor them more? I guess it's easier to think about the moments we regret. The ones we would change. The good moments, the perfect days, those are sometimes harder to recall. We want to relive them but can you ever go back knowing what you know now? I guess the trick is just to move forward either way.

I also really loved these words, a character said. Just something else to think about:

I fear that you will learn the lessons of beauty and injustice
That the poetry your body can create will abandon you
The gifts of your own strength and passion will be dulled before they are even born
I fear that you will cease to yearn for flight

100 Issues for 100 Days: #100

#100: Celebration!

I can't believe this but here it is. Not only did I reach 100 posts but I also reached a much deserved break. And the reason I'm getting to this post the day after my deadline is because I spent last night drinking margaritas and eating tacos at Lake Chalet (Taco Tuesdays!).

I've thought a bit about finishing this goal and what's next. I considered setting a new goal, but I think for right now, it's better to let myself come to blog; something that should be considerably easier now that I've done this. And I also thought about creating a theme. Obviously, television and films are my passion and I could wax on about that for days. But I also like having a place where I can write about anything; life, frustrations, sex (when I'm having it or not) and work. So picking just one theme seemed disingenuous to who I am. Like I said, I'm a jack of all trades master of none and that's an identity that I cannot seem to escape.

So ultimately what I came up with was a name change. Originally the name ...Makes You Do the Wacky, was based on a quote from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer, one of my all time favorite television shows. I still believe in the spirit of that title. That "love makes you do the wacky". We do the craziest things in the name of love. But the new title is something that reflects more of me and how I see life.

The new name is Deliciously Ambiguous. As I've said again and again, I don't know where I'm going and my life is pretty up and down. But (for the most part), I'm enjoying the ride and I'll take the uncertainty for those delicious moments of clarity.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #94

#94: One Missed Call

Today I left my cell phone at home. Though it's annoying (no timekeeper, no way to reach people when I need to tell them something quickly, etc.), the best thing about not having my phone is that I don't feel bothered. I don't feel tied to what I should be doing because there's no one to remind me if I'm not.

After work I went out to dinner without regard to the time or what was happening. To be honest, I couldn't care less if I hadn't gotten home at a decent hour.

I think more people should free themselves from the constraints of cell phones. Whenever I see my students, every moment they can they're checking messages or texting. When I got my cell phone in college, I rarely pulled it out during the day and definitely not during classes. Why do we seem to dread our screens flashing "one missed call"? Do we feel that we'll have missed out on something significant? When did we start seeing a missed call as a failed moment rather than just an opportunity to call someone back?

100 Issues for 100 Days: #86

#86: On the Eve of ...

Tomorrow is a random day off in the middle of the week and all I can say is: THANK GOD! I've already talked about my recent indifference towards work and my iPod still hasn't turned up so that is only growing. Then today a co-worker tried to tell me I'm not nice enough to her (even though she's a bitch most of the time). Frankly, I'm done with people pushing a lot of shit on me when they don't have their own stuff together.

/end rant

Sorry, what I really wanted to say was that in preparation of tomorrow's wonderful and much needed day off, I went to the grocery store today to get my "lay in bed" essentials:

1. A six-pack of beer: Since I'm treating myself I went with apricot Pyramid Hefeweizen.
2. A package of mint Milano cookies: quite possibly one of the best sweet treats ever and combines my faves mint and chocolate.
3. Cheese and crackers: I usually keep a few cheeses (goat, cheddar, pepper-jack) in the fridge but the crackers make it "lay in bed" worthy.
4. A mini-six pack of soda: I don't want to just drink beer but I don't want H2O to be my only other alternative. This is a nice compromise.
5. Lay's BBQ Chips: Chips are a necessity to all day TV watching.
6. Fruit: Acting seasonally, I went with the pomegranate.
7. A well-balanced dinner: After pigging out all day, I'll finally emerge in the evening to make a decent dinner that will begin to counteract the horribly wonderful fullness that comes from subsisting on chips, cheese & crackers, cookies and beer. I got steak, fresh kale and I'll add some couscous to round it out.

Tonight I'm going to clean all the essentials (bed, wash dishes, tidy up what I can) so I won't be hit with waves of guilt when I look around my apartment in the morning but other than that, I only get up to get more food and pee. Peace out.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #68

#68: Can't Think

Today has been one of those days when my thoughts don't seem to coalesce. My mind has been flitting from one thing to another. Sometimes I can't think of one thing to write on this blog and today I must have thought of a million but nothing seemed quite right. Or it was as if the thought hovered there like a hummingbird. Waiting to be realized but elusive.

My entire day has been half-finished thoughts and unrealized plans. Even those things that were concrete left me to question what the next step was or what the significance of the event would amount to. I think my mind needs to wind down but I feel fit to burst right now. I can't think and yet it's all I can seem to do right now.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #66

#66: Remiss

I have been so remiss. Obviously, trying to update every day is harder than I thought it was going to be. Especially on those days when I come home and all I want to do is soak my feet and sleep. But I'm working towards getting back on track. I have a week of parent meetings (and also catching up on laundry, cleaning and rest). And then a short jaunt down to LA for Halloween. So I'm going to keep up with this. I'm close to the end and this is the time when it gets hectic. I guess this is where I start to hit the wall. Gotta push through.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #62

#62: Karma

I've been thinking about karma. If what you put out is really what you get back. Recently, Barbra Ehrenreich published a book titled Bright-sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. The book discusses how the American culture of positive thinking can create a backlash and a complacency that is more harmful than good.

One of the blurbs about the book says:

We're always being told that looking on the bright side is good for us, but now we see that it's a great way to brush off poverty, disease, and unemployment, to rationalize an order where all the rewards go to those on top. The people who are sick or jobless—why, they just aren't thinking positively. They have no one to blame but themselves.

Is that the truth? Maybe it's not that I'm not working hard enough but that I'm not thinking positively enough. Or maybe the recession is not the resut of wayward spending and corrupt companies but rather that "we" collectively were drowning in a sea of negative thoughts.

I definitely feel that I could do myself a service by wallowing a bit less but I find it hard to believe that Paris Hilton thinks more positive thoughts than I do or puts more "good vibes" out into the world and is therefore reaping the benefits of it.

I'm going to commit myself to making sure that I treat people with love and respect. That's what I can control. And I'll continue to work towards my goals. But I don't think anything is handed to anyone. Hopefully, that's enough for this life and any others.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #59

#59: Happenstance

Today when I was waiting for the bus a woman came up to me and asked me for a cigarette. She looked a bit degenerate but I pulled out my iPod headphones and informed her that I didn't smoke. She then asked me if I had prayed to Jesus Christ and confessed my sins. I told her I hadn't. She asked me if I read the Bible. At this point I was amused. I said no (even though I have). She then told me that she prayed that I would not end in Hell and walked away.

Now aside from the fact that this interaction started with her asking me for a cigarette and that I'm almost certain she lives on the streets, what right does this woman have to judge my spiritual choices? One of the primary problems I have with religion is the judgment. It's not that I don't believe there's a higher power, I just don't believe that because you adhere to that you automatically get the right to speculate on what that higher power would think.

I believe in love. I believe that miracles can happen. I believe Santa Claus makes miracles happen at Christmas. I believe that some things are just coincidence and other things are fated. I believe in love at first sight. And at the end of the day, I believe in treating people how you want to be treated. That's what's going to gt me far in the world.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #51

#51: Closer

Some times it feels like I'll never go pass here
Some times it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever
But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams

There's a lot of opportunity out there. Even in this economy there's lots o ways to create opportunity and sometimes I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential.

Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams

Part of it is the fear of failure. Another part is the fear of funds. Even working pretty steadily I've had to struggle so if I strike out on my own and it doesn't work, what happens then?

Stretching out my arms so I can reach

I've been looking at some fellowships as well as trying to design my own curriculum and workshops that places might be interested in. I feel like it's achievable.

Some times it feels like you never gon' change

But then there's the self-doubt and the fatigue. After a full day working, it's hard to thinking about completing an application (hell it's hard to write an entry for this blog). And I've been looking at business schools and they are honestly running a racket. Between the fees to take the test and to apply ... one simple phrase "systemic oppression".

I'm going higher and higher and higher
Closer to my dreams

I think I'm getting there but I have to continue to push myself. I feel like things are within reach. I just have to jump a little higher.

To listen to Goapele's Closer go here.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #50

#50: Miles To Go Before I Sleep

The woods are lovely, dark and deep.
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep

- Robert Frost

I'm halfway there. To be honest, I didn't think that I'd make it this far. The thought of trying to update a blog every single day for a hundred days is pretty daunting. And I know my life is not that interesting. But some good things have come from this.

I feel like when I discuss something in my blog it pushes me to follow through on it. So even if no one is reading, if I say I'm going to do something, I go out and do it. Before, I might've just stayed in the house since no one would know anyway.

It's also been helpful to put my thoughts down somewhere. Whenever I start to live too much in my head, writing down my thoughts here has helped.

And finally, there's something about writing that once the dam bursts, it's hard to get it under control again. I've been writing much more than I did before and I think it's because of the blog. I once took a class where the assignments were "2 pages, of anything, by tomorrow". At first it seemed daunting but later I'd fill pages beyond that. That's how I feel now. This started as a daunting task, and sometimes it still is, but I'm writing more than ever.

Now I've got promises to keep (50 more days) and miles to go before I sleep.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #46

#46: Hot Mess

Top 3 Things that are a Hot Mess

#3 - My Apartment
Every single week I tell myself I'm going to clean up and it doesn't happen. I have things I need to mail buried under papers that need to be thrown out and it's officially, a hot mess.

#2 - My Love Life (a.k.a. The Lack Thereof)
I'm really unexcited about dating right now. I want to but I've found no one even remotely interesting. There's not even anyone to fantasize about lately. It's just disappointing.

#1 - The World
The past couple of weeks I haven't had the time to read the news regularly but the stories that have trickled in have been ultimately depressing. A 16-year old honor student who is beaten to death by people his age, hundreds of people killed in an earthquake in Indonesia and an apparent arsonist that is terrorizing Oakland. It seems like every day, there's more that proves just how much of a hot mess everything is.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #34

#34: Insomniac

I've had a difficult time sleeping the past couple of nights. I'm averaging about five hours of
sleep per night. I go through these sleepless periods about once to twice a year. If I was the therapy type, I could probably tell you what triggers it but for the most part it's just happens.

It's not necessarily bad. I don't feel extra tired. For example, today I went to see the San Francisco Opera simulcast at the SF Giants Ballpark. I ate sandwiches, cheese, olives and other goodies while drinking mimosas and then had an Irish coffee at 21 Amendment before riding the bus home. Although I'm physically tired (I walked a lot more than I was expecting to this evening), I could probably stay up a few more hours. I guess the thing that bugs me is that I'm awake but I'm not doing anything productive. Instead of cleaning my apartment or working on projects, I'm YouTubing (yes, it's a verb when you do it recreationally and/or without purpose) or texting The Ex-Boy, who seems to be texting me pretty often since my last birthday. In other words, it's not the lack of sleep that I mind but the lack of productivity.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #33

#34: How Many of Us Have Them?

Today I went to a skate-a-thon at Dry Ice roller rink. It was my first attempt to make some friends outside of work. I think it was a rousing success. I enjoyed myself, had some well-priced (read: cheap) beer and met some good people.

I think the older you get the harder it is to make friends. By the time you're 20 or so, you've pretty established the group of people to support you for the rest of your life. You might meet people through work or other friends but for the most part, you've created a core group of people. Since I'm so far away from the core I've formed, I'm trying to find new people and although I enjoy my co-workers, I really need to soialize with more people. I hope I'm taking a few steps in the right direction.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #29

#29: Monday Night Round-Up

Eating: Marinated bean salad over garlic & cilantro couscous.

Watching: Greek, Gossip Girl and Lincoln Heights.

Hoping: That the loan I took out clears in the next few days so I can pay my (overdue) rent.

YouTubing: Sailor Moon and General Hospital's Jason and Sam.

Mourning: Patrick Swayze, who died today of pancreatic cancer. I was midway through tonight's entry when I heard about it. Although I'll admit to spending many a Saturday memorizing the steps from Dirty Dancing, it's his impeccable performance from To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything, Julie Numar that made me fall in love with Patrick Swayze all over again. He took a part that could have been over the top and ridiculous and injected a strong sense of a man who struggled with his sexual identity and finding acceptance. And throughout the entire film he showed the class and elegance of a woman. I'd heard for a while about his struggle with cancer so this was not completely out of the blue but the last I'd heard Swayze was on the mend and I'd hoped that he would be with us for many years to come. I'm sure wherever he is he is dancing. Rest in peace.

Edited to add: Just found out that Jim Carroll died on Friday. I feel like pieces of my childhood are dying every day.

100 Issue for 100 Days: #17

#17: Jacob I Have Loved

Television and literature have always been locked in a competition for my affection. Both can easily tap into my emotions so much so that I've been known to full-on sob on the bus over Dumbledore's death and also wake up out of a dead sleep in tears because Denny Duquette suffered a heart attack. But there's very few times when these two passions collide. Luckily, I've found one place where they always do and it's Television Without Pity. In particular, one writer has managed to take the simple television recap to the height of literary critique and that's Jacob.

He is who I aspire to be. Every time I watch an episode of Weeds or Gossip Girl I can't wait until I can read his recaps because I know they will take the analysis of the episode to a level that will inevitably make me love the episode even more. After watching the season finale of Weeds, I went to TWoP to discover that Jacob had titled his recaplet "The Brief and Wonderous Life of Pilar Zuzuao", a play on the Junot Diaz novel The Brief and Wonderous Life of Oscar Wao. Where else can I get my geek fix so easily?

Beyond clever wordplay and literary references, reading a Jacob recap is like eating thinly sliced himachi tuna with honeydew melon and sea salt on a summer day. That is to say: sublime. When discussing True Blood, where else can I find insight like:

But you don't go home. You go to a new place every time. While she was away, the world became wild. The old safe places became not so safe; the old hiding places were touched with madness. The uncanny began to invade; the uncanny was invited in. She reached out and touched his fangs, and offered him her throat ....Welcome in, it says on the left, and FUCK OFF, it says on the right: You don't go home, and welcome home.

That is the beauty of his writing. It's haunting and keen in a way that makes you feel like you've just watched something completely different and MISSED THE ENTIRE POINT. His recaps for half-hour shows are at least 12 pages long and the hour-long dramas (if it's a great episode) can run from 20-36! I've happily downloaded songs, rented films, run internet searches and broke open a dictionary because of a recap.

Reading this today inspired me to write this post:

And so in the finale, of all places, we're finally being told outright what we could have been watching all this time: Pilar is the U-Turn that Nancy couldn't overlook, because she is a woman. She uses all the tools Nancy has and lots of tools Nancy doesn't have, and has been creeping unseen into every aspect of Nancy's life until she's not sure who the Boss really is. .... Pilar exists as a powerful woman, then, to deconstruct and transcend the Nancy/Men and Men/Boys binaries that Nancy's been operating on (in Jungian terms, she's the tertium non datur, the irrational symbol that transcends the signified opposites, allowing Nancy to bring the possibility of a new path up into consciousness)*. And that would have been a great story, and it's the story we're being told we got, but it's not actually the story we got.

*Emphasis mine.

After reading this (and looking up the term: tertium non datur), I realized I was left with two choices: acknowledge this amazing writer or not. And I chose the former.

The first time I reveled in the genius that I was reading was during a Gossip Girl recap titled "When U Were a Fever". I followed the winding prose that built like the fever described in the episode until I landed at the end:

How bad does it get, in the dark places? And just before the music goes crazy and the fever returns, and the camera away from the two of them every fourth beat, back and up the staircase, before everybody watching goes: "The fuck!?" and starts screaming, Serena says: "I killed someone."

That was exactly how I felt watching the episode. The building of suspense until you're on the edge of your seat wondering what the FUCK has been going on and then that moment of reveal right before the credits just like the weekly "thud" that ends every episode of Lost. But the awe-inspiring realization is that all of that was recaptured in someone's analysis of the episode. You don't have to watch it again because it's all astutely laid out for you in the place you were least expecting. And that is what I love.

100 Issues for 100 Days :#16

#16: It's Just One of Dem Days*

Today has been one of those days that ran fairly smoothly but ended on a bad note. So when I have a day like this there's a few things that make me smile:











1. The Carlton:



This is what reruns are made for people. To make you smile when you least expect it.

2. Jesse Spano Freaks Out



Whenever I feel stressed out, I think ... at least I'm not Jesse

3. Center Stage



Cheesiest thing ever. How can you not love her 4 outfit (and make-up!) changes with no intermission?

4. Cry for You



When a young Ryan Gosling hits that high note, how can you not love it? Don't forget the shoulder lean, "Baby I'm beggin' !"

5. Like You

This link gave me and my college roommate hours of procrastinating fun. And it's only a 30 second video.

Sometimes the interwebs really come through.

*Bonus in honor of the post title:

100 Issues for 100 Days :#15

#15: Does Anybody Hear Me?

Ok, it's been two weeks of me attempting to blog regularly. I know two weeks is nothing in the span of 100 planned entries but I'm starting to feel like Atreyu. I've started out on this quest and I don't know where it's leading or if I'm getting anywhere. For all I know this could just be the means of getting a shy little boy to give an Empress a new name.


Basically, I'm asking for a grain of sand people.
Just one comment to let me know that I'm not writing into the ether. And if I am, maybe I need to get the word out. Feel free to tell your friends. But right now I just want to know: Does anybody hear me?

Take it away Shannen!

100 Issues for 100 Days :#12

#12: Lack of Short-term Memory

I did it again. One of the problems with updating on a Friday is that it's Friday and literally every thing goes out of my mind. The second is that I have a lack of short-term memory.

It's something that I've noticed developing over the past five years or so. I have get recall for facts, odds and ends and details from long ago but sometimes I have a hard time remembering what I did an hour ago or even ten minutes ago. Yesterday was one of those days when I talked about this blog, I thought about what to write and then when I walked in the door I thought, "what did I want to do again?"

It's come to the point where I have to do things when I think of them or they'll be gone out of my head by the time I get to it. So I promise there will be another update later in the day and next time, I'll blog when I think of it or at least keep a pen and pad handy.