Making Moves: 31 by the 31st

 It's time for me to make some serious moves with my professional life. At work, I've become little more than a glorified baby-sitter who gets blamed when things aren't perfect (also known as: a convenient scapegoat). 

So here's my pre-New Year's resolution:* 

31 by the 31st. I'm going to try to apply to 31 jobs, fellowships, volunteer opportunities, basically any and everything that might possibly get me out of here by the end of the school year, hell maybe before then. I'm scheduling to take the GMAT and looking into business schools. And I want it done by the 31st. People may be predicting that 2012 is the year the world ends but if it does I will not still be at this job when it happens. 

When I think about my time at this job, I don't regret it. I definitely grown as a professional. I've learned to advocate for myself. I've learned to communicate with a variety of people and it's tested my patience, my professional abilities and most of all, my inner strength. I've had to go without, I've had to ask for help even when it was the last thing that I wanted to do. I've also really enjoyed a lot of the experiences I've had especially the students. Some of my current advisees I've known since they were in the 8th grade and next year they will be graduating and heading to college. But as much as this job has shown me what I enjoy and love it's also given me a lot of clarity around what I am unwilling to put up with. And that is invaluable. 

*I don't really like New Year's resolution's anyway so I'd rather get a jump on setting and achieving my goals

100 Issues for 100 Days: #97

#97: Woke Up. Still Tired.

Real sleep is an elusive lover. Some days I wake up refreshed and wonderful, other days I might as well have stayed up. The next month is going to be hellish. I have meetings, events, fundraisers and who knows what else will crop up (illnesses, etc.), so I'm trying to figure out now, what I can do to make my sleep more fulfilling.

I think one thing that might help is making sure that if I drink in the evening, it's well before I go to bed. I know alcohol helps me fall asleep but I definitely don't feel well-rested after a night of drinking.

Another thing is really turning off my brain. One of the problems of working with kids is that it's hard to leave work at work. Some times I find myself thinking about what happened during the day and/or how I can make the next day go better and it's hard to let things go so that I'm not stressed or even dreaming about work, which is the worst.

Finally, I think I need to have more sex. I never sleep better than I do after sex. That's just a fact. So, more sex.

I'll try it out and get back to you.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #95

#95: Emotional Rollercoaster

And I'm back on that whining shit
Seriously am I 16 again?
I get upset when the kids tell me
You just don't like me
They hate me, they hate me
Why you always pickin' on me?

But the truth is I understand
The truth of what they say
Cause sometimes the only greeting I get
Is what I did wrong
And I feel like I'm on a loop-di-loop
Up and down, undulating
From highs to lows

I wanna be high
I wanna be unafraid and uninhibited and
Living, loving life
But then I'm banking to the left
Hitting that curve
And plummeting to that low

'Lo and behold
I'm being shit on once again
Like that little kid
I'm a Slumdog Millionaire
It's unfair
And I'm back on that whining shit again

It's sad that I'm taking cues from a 4th grader
Calm down, don't cry, don't let them see you sweat
Fuck, I wish I was a 4th grader
Cause people indulge them when they kick and scream
I say "use your words"
But what if the only word left is FRUSTRATION?!

I'm repeating myself
Why? why?! whining
But why not
That's all I do every day
Don't. Stop. No. Why?
I said, Follow the damn rules!
And I hear it echoed back to me,
Don't. Stop. No. Why?

Apparently, it's written on my face
Because every five paces I'm asked
Are you okay?
And at this point the point is moot.
No.
I'm not.
Okay.
But give me a second. That might change.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #93

#93: Running on Empty

Today was one of those days when I thought I started out with the energy to make it through the day but midway through I just crashed. Lately, I feel like when I make it to work it's one of the last places I want to be.

And that's not to say it's all bad. I'm having wonderful, fulfilling moments with my students and with friends but I still balk at entering the building. I think the fatigue is mental and I'm really hoping that Thanksgiving break will provide the time and space I need to work my way back up to the level of enthusiasm I had before.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #85

#85: Word of the Day ...


Indifference. On Friday, my iPod was taken from work. It was a red iPod nano (1st generation) and it was the first major purchase I made after moving to Oakland. It was my first "big girl" gift to myself.

Ever since my iPod was taken I've felt an overwhelming feeling of indifference towards my students. I'm not really mad, I've just shut down. After weeks of busting my ass and going above and beyond, I find myself at a standstill. I just. don't. care.

I'm doing what I have to do but I can't find the energy to do more. I hate feeling like this because I'm not someone who does the bare minimum. I throw myself headfirst into every project and I extend energy, money and most of all my heart. Now I just can't.

I'm hoping someone will have the integrity to return my iPod but either way, I'm kind of considering this semester a wash. I'm d-u-n, done.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #78

#78: Ms. Stress

When it rains it pours. Despite all the planning and prepping that I did before leaving to "rest", I've come back and it's chaos. There's a million things going on, everyone is calling in sick, I'm sick too, and although it is November, it's blazing hot and the heat is making me more irritated. I'm working all through the weekend and basically I'm living for Veteran's Day. If I can just make it to next Wednesday, I should be alright. If not I may be in jail for killing someone's child.

100 Issues for 100 Days: #60

#60: No Air

Breathe easy
Take it slow
Don't let the frenzied movement guide your steps

Think
Nothing was ever achieved without thought


Let your limbs take over
Let them ease into the softness of the world
Ignoring the rough places.

Push towards the sky
Grab hold and let your calm take you
To heights you never dared

Never toss nor turn
Or let the bracken take hold
Of your heart

I hear it all
From far away like dying bells
As I drown

No Air by the cast of Glee

100 Issues for 100 Days: #51

#51: Closer

Some times it feels like I'll never go pass here
Some times it feels like I'm stuck forever and ever
But, I'm going higher
Closer to my dreams

There's a lot of opportunity out there. Even in this economy there's lots o ways to create opportunity and sometimes I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential.

Leaving all my fears to burn down
Push them all away so I can move on
Closer to my dreams

Part of it is the fear of failure. Another part is the fear of funds. Even working pretty steadily I've had to struggle so if I strike out on my own and it doesn't work, what happens then?

Stretching out my arms so I can reach

I've been looking at some fellowships as well as trying to design my own curriculum and workshops that places might be interested in. I feel like it's achievable.

Some times it feels like you never gon' change

But then there's the self-doubt and the fatigue. After a full day working, it's hard to thinking about completing an application (hell it's hard to write an entry for this blog). And I've been looking at business schools and they are honestly running a racket. Between the fees to take the test and to apply ... one simple phrase "systemic oppression".

I'm going higher and higher and higher
Closer to my dreams

I think I'm getting there but I have to continue to push myself. I feel like things are within reach. I just have to jump a little higher.

To listen to Goapele's Closer go here.