100 Issues for 100 Days: #45

#45: Atonement

I'm searching for atonement
I'm looking for someone to tell me it's ok
To watch a child being beaten for having
Light-skin and long hair

I'm hoping someone will tell me
It's not my fault that I didn't jump in
And save the day
That I haven't seen the day
When I am afraid of children

I'm asking for forgiveness

For every time I fell short and
Let my short fuse lead a child astray
For the days I lost my patience
Because sometimes I'm scared
I'll end up a patient in a mental hospital
Screaming about back in the day
When things were cool
And the kids knew their place

I'm looking for empathy
For someone to tell me that
I wasn't wrong when I let that curse slip by
Or turned up the music in my headphones
Cause each curse word was like a knife wound
And I was tired of getting stabbed
Just riding the bus

The truth is I cry on the inside
When I hear ignorance
But sometimes I let it slip by
Cause I'm tired

I'm diving for absolution
I want to come up from the depths of my despair
Holding it like pearls
A buried treasure
That I've buried forever because the truth is that I'm afraid

Sometimes I am scared of the youth
And that outweighs my fear for the youth
The truth is that sometimes I'm a coward
And sometimes my bad days slip over into the good
So my hope floats away and I just want to
Turn up the music in my headphones and make it go away

Cause I ain't birthed no babies
And sometimes I'm tired of being a parent
To children who don't realize they don't have one

So I fumble for grace
A space where I can glory in the successes and not dwell
On the failures
But then the guilt rises like tides within me
Ebbing and flowing
Cause I can't let go of the hard cases
Those hard heads that have so much potential
Like torrential downpours
I cry tears and ask for clemency
A chance to demonstrate to me,
Myself and I
That I deserve the reprieve

Cause in the end
No one can forgive me
But me