Bad Eggs

Update: Cat has been spayed. She's doing ok and I'm keeping her from licking the stitches. More posts to come.

The past few days have been a bit hectic. To confirm, yes the cat is pregnant, and no she will not be having kittens. Not on my watch. I know it seems wrong and/or cruel and if my cat was a person I would not force her to have an abortion but seeing as how it's my house, my money, my time and she can't go out and get a job, this is definitely a time when my vote counts for more.

Of course, being in this situation leads to the contemplation of one's own ability to procreate (that sounded really deep). It's funny because when I asked my mother, "guess who's pregnant again?", she started to rattle off the names of my friends one after the other and I realized that the amount of moms that I know has definitely skyrocketed recently. And as I approach my own "quarter-life crisis" I've had the "baby" conversation with more and more people. There's no question about it, I want to be a mom someday but there's a lot that goes into it. I don't want to start having kids in my 30's, but I want to be in a more stable place, financially and mentally. I want to spend time at home initially, but I definitely want to be working again fairly soon, and I am totally not opposed to my (fictional) husband/lover staying home and taking care of the (right now imaginary) children.

I have ideas, I have plans, while clearly all my cat has is an intense sex drive and no contraceptives.

Leaving Normal

Hanging out at home, and (pretending) to clean has given me a lot of time to contemplate why it is that I moved out to California. I come from NY which is kind of the be all end all for a lot of people. It's true that if you can make it there, you can make it anywhere but what of the people who were born "making it there"?

I went away both to high school and college, though most of my friends were still New Yorkers. The majority of them were biding their time until they could return to the naked streets, many even going back home for college, but I was not excited to return home after graduation.

In truth, New York is simultaneously my favorite place and the place I dread most in the world. It's the place I feel most comfortable and the place that stifles me in every way. I need change, and whenever I'm home I feel this stagnant hold that scares me. The option is always there, go home if things get too hard. I believe it's my pride that won't let me. There's the challenge. Can I do it? Can I support myself? Find a niche in a new place. Create new friendships at an age where honestly most people are pretty fake. Those are all the tidbits that hold me here.

And that's why I moved across the country, because I feel like if I can't make it outside of New York, there's no way I will be able to make it there.

Flashes Before Your Eyes

Some things on the interwebs just make me giddy, so today (and subsequently), I'm going to post the ... links that made me giddy.

1. Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog:

Unfortunately the ginormous amount of Whedon-verse fans out there crashed the server but you can go to iTunes and watch this latest installment of wonderfulness by Joss Whedon starring Neil Patrick Harris (How I Met Your Mother) and Nathan Fillon (Firefly, Drive). It's one of the funniest things I've seen in a while.

2. Heidiwood:
For those of you who (fortunately) don't know about Heidi Montag's clothing line, it's horribly awesome. And this link will take you to not only a preview of her fall collection but you can look while you listen to her new track "Fashion". It's so horrible it circles back around to awesome ... and then horrible again.

3. Feist on Sesame Street: 1234
Singing chickens ... nuff said.

And for your enjoyment:

What to Do While You're Waiting

Here is the dilemma of the jobless, what to do while you're waiting. There's the obvious jobhunt, but for every 5 resumes you send out, you will probably only receive one response saying "I choo-choo-choose you ... for an interview". And then there's after the interview, which is worse than the after-the-first-date wait. You know you had a phenomenal interview, everything was all smiles, you wear anything visibly embarrassing (you hope), and everything ended on good terms but it's still a week later and there's been no follow-up.

To be honest, I've never prescribed to the idea that I have to work at a job I hate to get by. I feel like, between my many years of education and my varied interests, I should be able to find something I somewhat enjoy as well as something that pays me enough to get by. Times aren't desperate (yet) but still there are so many things out there. I've gone on a lot of interviews and the problem always seems to be the follow-up.

So what do I do while I'm waiting? Clean (or at least intend to clean), blog, make appointments to get my cats checked out*, cook (I made mini hamburgers yesterday and it's vegetable pad thai tonight) and attempt to control my anxiety. It comes and goes in waves. I'm not a person who likes being directionless. I actually thrive off of pressure and multiple projects. College for me was almost a time of bliss - red-eyed, tired bliss but bliss nonetheless. This for me is the antithesis of bliss. The problem with moving across the country from all of your family and friends is that you lose your safety net. Essentially, that's also the reason why I moved but occasionally the drop seems far worse than I thought it would be.

*P.S. I'm afraid my cat might be pregnant again which may cause me to tear out my hair. That is all.

Brothers & Sisters

This year marks the 100th anniversary of the longest running Black sorority Alpha Kappa Alpha, typically known as AKA. To celebrate this milestone, Mattel is releasing the AKA Barbie. After reading about this at Jezebel and reading some of the comments I started to really think about the history of Black organizations and some of the deep conflicts I have with them.

Black organizations in this country have an illustrious history in the United States, many forming at places and times when just the idea of creating spaces for Black people to excel and challenge the minority was nearly unheard of. But at the same time, so many organizations were preoccupied with the "image" that they were projecting to the same majority, which is why we have the prevalence of "paper-bag" tests and other standards which devalue Black beauty and traits. And I'm being completely open here. These practices were not limited to one specific organization or group. And this is not a condemnation of the AKAs. Some of the women I most admire are sisters of the organization. But ...

This is an issue that many Black organizations would like to sweep under the rug. And just as I believe we (Black people) will never be free until all people are free; I, too, believe that Black people will never be mentally and emotionally free until the -isms and schisms within our community are addressed. Every stage of the fight for civil rights and equality has been marred by colorism, sexism and homophobia and what most recent history books will tell us is that we, sometimes moreso than our oppressors, are good at covering up these injustices.

During my college career one of my best experiences was the Third World Transition Program (TWTP). What I loved about TWTP was that it was the first time I'd ever seen people openly and honestly admit to the various prejudices that exist among communities of color, without placing blame on White people. It wasn't just about acknowledging how we'd been oppressed by the majority but also coming to terms with how we continue to oppress ourselves and each other. Those are the types of discussions we need to be having. What's the point of gaining the power to oppress ourselves?

Confirmed Dead*

Initially, I was going to be coy and not post anything about the results of "The Talk" but since I kind of feel thrown for a loop, I had to get this out. The title of this post comes from an episode of Lost. In the episode, the "freighties" are being assembled for the first time to go to the Island and you see them all hearing that everyone on Oceanic Flight 815 is confirmed dead. The interesting part is that the audience knows that 815 crash-landed on the island and there are a bunch of survivors.

That's how I feel right now. Everything in my head is telling me that this relationship, or whatever it is, is dead. My heart is telling me there are survivors. The crazy thing is (if we want to continue this metaphor to its conclusion) of the freighties who go to the island: two die, one ends up (we think) stuck at sea and two decide to stay. And they all go through a helluva lot before that happens. The odds are not in my favor.

So here's the way the talk went down, after some (very good) sex, we were watching tv and talking and I, oh so casually, asked where he thought we were right now. Basically, I tried to assure him that I wasn't trying to push for things to change but I just wanted to know where we stood now. He said he wasn't ready for a relationship (which I knew) and that he's concerned about being exclusive because that equates a relationship to him (which it doesn't necessarily to me). And then I got the answer that I was not expecting, he's also seeing someone else.

See I had made the assumption (I know when you make an assumption, you make an ass out of 'u' and 'mption'), that like me, he hadn't had the time to cultivate anything else with someone or wasn't looking to. Looking back it's not exactly a surprise. I had some idea when my toothbrush (which he asked me to bring over) moved from the bathroom cabinet to the closet next to the bathroom. And although I'm not angry that he's having sex with someone else (he's incredibly safe so I'm not worried too much about that), I think it would have been courteous to let me know. I mean, we see each other pretty often, and it does make me a bit uncomfortable to know that a partner I sleep with regularly is (probably) regularly seeing and (having sex with) someone else.

But most of all, I'm disappointed. I don't really want what we have to change. I enjoy his company, I enjoy his friendship, I most definitely enjoy the sex but I don't know how I feel about him seeing someone else. And my curiosity is making me want to ask soooo many questions, which is the last thing that he wants.

So what do I want? That's the question that I can't answer right now. I don't know if this thing is confirmed dead or if there are survivors lying around somewhere that just haven't been found yet.

*One of my little quirks is that I know A LOT of television episode titles. I was thinking about making those the titles of my posts. I'm still trying to decide if I should stick with one show or just pull them from various shows as is appropriate.

Whet your Appetite

hey everyone (and by everyone I mean the few friends I'm going to invite to read this and whoever else stumbles across it),

This is the inaugural post of "...Makes You Do the Wacky". For those who know me well, they won't be surprised to learn that the title of this blog comes from a quote from Buffy, the Vampire Slayer. The entire quote is "love makes you do the wacky". Originally, I wanted this to be a blog about love: things I love, people I love, people I wish loved me, but there's just so much in my life that makes me do the wacky, I didn't want to restrict myself.

So here's where I'm going to begin, my 25th birthday is in 15 days. I'm semi-jobless, my cats are shedding hair all over my apartment, I'm supposed to have the "What are we?" talk with the guy I've been dating for almost a year tonight, and I'd rather eat Top Ramen every night than give up my DirecTV/internet connection. I will be evicted first. I thought it was a good time to start a blog.

This is just the teaser. The amuse bouche if you will. But stick around ... I think things will get interesting. And just to (hopefully) get some comments going: What makes you do the wacky?